I was always chubby growing up, I have never been thin. I have two brothers and two sisters who are all “normal”, which annoys the shit out of me because we all had the same amount of food as kids (more or less…) My parents say that even as a baby I had a big appetite. I would cry for more milk minutes after being fed, after speaking to the midwife about it, my parents decided to start me on solid food early which put a smile on my face.
I was spoiled with food before my younger siblings came along so maybe that’s why I am so much bigger than them, I used to stay with my grandparents a lot and they didn’t have the heart to tell me no when I asked for something to eat. My grandpa used to jokingly say “You’ll eat us out of house and home, boy!
The first time I realized I was fat was after being called “fatty” while at the park by another kid. I was about 6 at the time. Somehow I managed to get to 6 years old without noticing I was twice the size of most kids my age.
After telling my nana Moira and Grandpa David what had happened at the park they decided to help me lose weight. They encouraged me to exercise after every meal for 10 minutes, I loved it, I would be doing press ups on the kitchen floor while my nana and grandpa would shout out the count for me and cheer me on. I’m not sure if I lost any weight by doing this or why I stopped. It is one of my fondest memories though. I miss and love them both.
My nana Vida (Who I also miss and love) also spoiled me as a kid, Before I could speak properly I’d call her “Nana Deeties” (I was trying to say sweeties), because whenever she’d come to visit she would have a carrier bag filled with sweets and chocolates for me and my sister to share. She would re-stock her cupboards with food every week especially for us when we would visit her, half of the food in her cupboards she didn’t really like, We loved it though so she kept buying it for us.
Reading this back it sounds like I’m trying to pass the blame for my weight onto my grandparents, I’m not. They were only trying to give me things that they didn’t have as kids. They weren’t trying to make me/keep me fat at all. I just loved eating from a very young age and they were too nice to deny me the thing I enjoyed doing most. They wanted me to be happy and I was. Besides isn’t it every grandparent’s duty to spoil their grand kids?
My parents were always trying to make me eat healthily but it never worked. I didn’t believe them when they said sweets and chocolate were bad for me, How could something so good be bad for me? They tried everything to make me eat fruit and vegetables but I would rather eat nothing than eat healthy food (not much change there then, eh?)
During childhood I was always the biggest kid in school. It got me bullied up until year 3 when I realized my size made me stronger than the other kids and I decided to stick up for myself. I would hate P.E and avoid it as much as possible. The only sport I enjoyed as a kid was rugby, I wasn’t any good but I still enjoyed it.
After moving up to secondary school I was no longer the fattest kid in school or even my year. I made a lot more friends and started going out more. I usually wouldn’t eat much when I was out; I hated eating in front of people. This and being more active helped me to shift a little weight; I was still big but not massive.
I started binge eating again when I decided to sell sweets on the schoolyard. I suddenly had a lot of sweets and a lot of money to buy food. I did put on a bit of weight but I was getting taller so I could carry it better.
The time I felt most comfortable in my own skin was when I left school at 16, I was always out and I walked everywhere. The thought of eating hardly ever crossed my mind. I was too busy partying and chatting up girls. I weighed about 19 stone which is still big but I was happy. I had confidence and didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I was invincible
That’s when I broke my back…
I had an attic bedroom that had wooden ladders leading up to it. I was half way up the ladders when they snapped from the bracket and gravity pulled me to the floor. I landed on a hoover which apparently helped somehow. I can’t remember much from the hospital but I had to stay in for a few weeks before they released me.
I was ok, I had to wear a back brace for 6 months but the doctor said I was lucky to be walking. This is when everything started to go downhill.
I started binge eating to deal with the depression. I didn’t realize at the time but I was depressed because before this I honestly believed bad things didn’t happen to me. I thought I was special and that I had some magical force watching over me. I never worried about anything. School work? Who cares, Exam results? Not important, Get into a fight or argue with someone? Not the end of the world.
but after I broke my back everything made me nervous, What if I fall and become paralyzed?, What if I get into a fight and become paralyzed?. I stopped going out and avoided confrontation like the plague. How did I deal with the anxiety? Food.
That was eight years ago. My life has pretty much been on pause since. I have spent my days stuck in my parents’ house stuffing my face and watching movies. I studied web design and internet marketing and became an affiliate marketer which means I never have to leave the house for anything.
Breaking my back no longer causes me anxiety or depression. But the fact that I have gained a stone every year since definitely does. I am currently 24 and weigh 28 stone (392 lbs)… Fuck.
Over the past four years I have tried:
- Calorie counting
- Cardio Exercises
- Weight lifting
- Food diaries
- Cutting out all unhealthy foods
- OMAD (one meal a day)
- Weight loss hypnosis
All of which failed due to one of two reasons:
- It made me crave food even more and I’d give up.
- I’d eat too much healthy food that would cause me to gain weight
I have started this blog to document my weight loss journey. Click here to read my plan and why I think fasting is the best option for me.